Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
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Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter