Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
You Might Also Like
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫