The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
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I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?