I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
translated into Canadian
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park