Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
What?!?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.