I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
You Might Also Like
When the stylist spins you back around
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury