I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
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Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
WHY would you be happy about this?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.