#Caturday
You Might Also Like
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller