The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
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you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
#SaturdayBears
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
The little toadstool has spoken.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us