No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
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I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Interior design 👌
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.