We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
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until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.