pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
You Might Also Like
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Can Happiness buy money?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.