Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
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God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.