We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
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I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Worth the read.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going