Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
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My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
when dads have a rap battle
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.