My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
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Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.