stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
It do be feeling this way.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I want to meet the individual who made this
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I am a gravy boat captain
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.