Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
mom gave me mine for free
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.