Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
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[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.