Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
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Still laughing at this stupid meme
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
WHY?!
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips