The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
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I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Sniffing the broccoli
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.