Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
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Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.