They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
You Might Also Like
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
How to make infinite energy.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did