ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
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10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.