I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
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I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
water it, i dare you
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”