Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
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WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
watergate? u mean a dam??
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.