“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
what?
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My blood type is b hungry.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*