ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
You Might Also Like
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Pretty much. 🤣
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey