If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
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If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???