DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Webb. James Webb.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*