me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
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“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.