“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
You Might Also Like
it is time once again
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
“I FIXED IT!”
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I am, perchance
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene