One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
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Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
We avoided this particular disaster
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders