priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
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Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.