*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
You Might Also Like
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress