I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
You Might Also Like
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”