Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
You Might Also Like
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*