Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
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âWhat happens in Vegas stays in Vegasâ
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isnât the same as her older sisterâsâŚ
Send help!
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho Iâm not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
My kids are out of town so Iâm going to get wild and drink my coffee while itâs still hot.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says âhappy birthdayâ đ
He was so close.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Breaking news:
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Friend: Why isnât your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: âŚ.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. Iâve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through schoolâs 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if theyâve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.