Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
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[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats