[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
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Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me