My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
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My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?