Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.