My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.