British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
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customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
When ur friends with white people
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
The struggle is real.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house