November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
You Might Also Like
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No