ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
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My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
#parenting