[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.