Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
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“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
mariah carrie
12. I think about this all the damn time
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB