A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
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Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”