New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
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“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
technically true but not a great slogan
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.